1784: Excerpts from "Reflections on Courtship and Marriage)
These excerpts were taken from a publication called "Reflections on Courtship and Marriage: In Two Letters to a Friend," printed in 1784. Written by an anonymous man, these excerpts focus on different roles and responsibilities for men and women that were typical in the 18th Century. It offers praise and criticism for financial management and "housewifery" for the middle and upperclass. The advice for household management and notes about servants could refer to either hired servants or enslaved people.
Spelling and grammar is original.
Section V.
Each person should be so duly attentive to their respective province of management, as to conduct it with the utmost prudence and discretion in their power.
Marriage, or a union of the sexes, though it be in itself one of the smallest societies, is the original fountain from whence the greatest and most extensive government have derived their beings.
It is a monarchial one, have Reason for its legislator and prince; an authority more noble and sublime than any other state can boast of.
This maxim, which reaches all governments and societies, is not less relative to the matrimonial one; to wit, “That the good of the whole is maintained by a harmony and correspondence of its several parts to their respective ends and relations.”
From this comparison many demonstrative arguments might be drawn, to illustrate and inforce what has been advanced in the first section of this letter.
That as Prince Reason (to carry on the similitude) must act by a sort of vicegerency or deputation; and that honour, by the rules of justice, and for the good of the whole, ought undoubtedly to fall on the most capable and experienced, which by our scheme the man will be;—all rebellion against this vicegerent, whilst he acts in the character of his Prince Reason, is extremely wrong and undutiful; has a fatal tendency to subvert the tranquility and order of the matrimonial state. — But we will leave these politics, and come to the subject in hand.
We just now observed, that the well being of marriage, as of all other societies, arose from a harmony and correspondence of its several parts to their respective ends and relations.
This fundamental truth has been hitherto considered chiefly as it relates to the internal characters of the conjugates. We shall now apply it to those practical ones which arise from the management of interest or fortune, and what is called Housewifery.
That part of management which belongs to the preserving interest, or improving our fortune, usually falls, and very properly on the man. And it is unquestionably incumbent on him, if he be a man of estate, and independent on any business, to regular his equipage, his private and family expences, according to the income of his fortune: And it is certainly a point of prudence, not to live quite up to that; but to lay up a fund, to which he may have recourse in any of those adverse occurrences to which the most exalted stations are liable; as also to provide for younger children, which he has, or may have. He should not confide too much in stewards or agents, but inspect his property so much at least, as to be able to judge of their conduct—He should not be indolently content with the formal delivery of accounts, but examine them, know why and wherefore he pays, and for what he is paid.
How fatal the contrary to all this has been to many gentlemen of fortune, and there families, is so unhappily attested by many tragical examples, as should, I think be prevailing arguments to inforce what has been said.
If our fortunes are thrown out in any schemes of business for improvements, our expences and manner of living should be proportionable to our fun, and prospects of success: And as the latter most commonly depend on attention and prudence, we should constantly govern ourselves by them to the best of our abilities: avoid being engaged in any such precarious schemes, as by being abortive may utterly ruin us. As the merchants say, we should not venture all on one bottom [ship], so as that the common accidents of winds and weather may totally sink our fortune. All our engagements should be preceded by forethought and discretion. And in very important ones, it would be but just and prudent to inform and consult a wife, whose intimate concern therein does, I think demand it. She may be capable of giving us advice that may be very serviceable: It will at least prepare her to bear with us any unfortunate consequences that may attend us and that is a very good reason for her being informed.
To conclude, No ridiculous vanity or foolish ambition should suffer the husband or wife, in their dress, furniture or whole ways of life, to exceed their income or fortune.
Their appearance and expence should neither degenerate into sordidness, nor run into wild extravagance.
That particular part of management, called Housewifery, belongs to the woman, and we should comprise it under these three divisions:
A prudent frugality
Neatness
And a harmonious economy.
She should observe, in the first place a “prudent frugality.”
By our former doctrine, a wife will have a generation notion of her husband’s circumstances, she should therefore, in those affairs which fall under her inspection and management, be so governed by the said circumstances, as to regulate the household expences by that just proportion which his fortune will afford.
And as on the one hand, discretion must prevent her from running into any lavish extravagances, so on the other, should a generous temper make her scorn any thing that is mean and pitiful. It is the happy and judicious medium between these two extremes, that constitutes a prudent frugality, and the true excellency of housewifery.
It is one of the most amiable sights a wife can show herself in to public observation. It throws a glory round her which is not less to be reverenced than admired; does honour to her husband, and renders the entertainment of her guests elegant and pleasing. For as an imprudent ostentation gives pain and ridicule, so any thing meanly penurious raises indignation and contempt....
It is therefore a lesson highly necessary for them to learn, that all vanity and ambition of exceeding their circumstances in this party of housewifery is very ridiculous and, with all people of good sense, creates pity for their silly extravagances, and contempt of their weak understandings.
And, on the other hand, that every thing which is...stingy, or beneath what may justly be afforded, is the mark of a little, groveling, dirty[?] soul, and exposes us to the jests and laughter of all observers.—The next thing is
“Neatness and Cleanliness”
How necessary this is to the comfort and enjoyment of life, and how detestable a...nasty management must be, are things so very obvious, that little need to said to inforce it. But I must just mention one or two faults in the execution of this party of housewifery, which many women are guilty of, and that I would have avoided in our scheme.
The one is, the ill timing of cleanliness, and the carrying it to such extremes, that a man’s house is made an uneasy, almost useless habitation to him. Some women have such amphibious dispositions, that one would think they chose to be half their lives in water; there is such a clatter of pails and brushes, such inundation in every room, that a man cannot find a dry place for the sole of his foot; So that what should tend to make a man’s house an agreeable and wholesome dwelling, becomes so dangerous and, unpleasant, that the desire of health and peace drives him out of it. And these overflowings of neatness are often so ill-timed, that a man’s business is interrupted, and his meals made uncomfortable by them. These fish-wives have generally a great fund of ill nature, or a small one of good sense.
Another fault is, that bigotry and passion for neatness, which makes a woman fretful and uneasy at every accidental and or unavoidable speck of dirt, or the least disordering of the furniture. You must rub your shoes bill the bottoms of your are almost sore, before you are permitted to enter a room. Then so many nonsensical exhortations, and impertinent questions, are proposed, that one might enter a garrison town in war-time with less ado; such as, “Pray don’t meddle with that,” and “pray don’t put this out of its place;” that one would think there was a spell on all the furniture, or a man was going to run away with part of it.
These are all idle and childish extremes. A prudent housewife should so time her neatness and cleanliness, that it may be as little inconvenient and troublesome to a man as possible, and support it with a graceful ease, and a good natured sort of indifference. The contrary has more of the servant-maid than the well-bred woman in it, and generally accompanies a low and mean education.
The third thing in the character of good housewife, its, “a harmonious economy.”
By which is meant, the maintaining order, peace and tranquility in her house; avoiding all noisy and turbulent-scolding, for which many pretending housewives are greatly blameable, making their husband’s their own and there servants lives, uneasy.
Many ladies are apt to mistake this bustling and vociferous turn for good management. It is a great mistake, and rather shows a want of skill and temper.
Where the mistress of a family understands her business, carries her authority with resolution, and at the same time with good nature and humanity, servants will naturally be obedient and diligent.
But where ignorance is joined with a tyrannic, and insolent temper, there is generally blunders and remissness in servants, hatred of their mistress, a constant din and contention between them. A man had better live in a paper-mill, or a fish-woman’s stall, than in such a house.
These scenes are mighty unpleasant, very shocking, and highly prejudicial to the tranquility of a married; are sure signs of a brutal temper, and a very vulgar education.
Whereas a woman of judgment, an even mind, and a polite taste, will be obeyed and beloved by her servants; All things will go on smooth and quiet; her government will be mild, calm, and harmonious; her house the habitation of peace, joy, and contentment.
It is a truth, I believe, with very few exceptions, That a good mistress makes good servants.
People of that class are not without gratitude and a sense of merit.
Where women are ever complaining of their servants, it carries a strong suspicion of their own capacities and temper.
When a mistress of a house if giving orders to servants, or talking to them, it is often done in such an imperious bawling manner, that she is heard from every corner. This is very unpolite; and shows a little mind so swelled with power, that it is unable to support it with decency and temper....
On the whole, a mistress of a family, should carry on her administration in a mild and pacific manner; and if she has any disputes with her servants, conceal them from the ears of a husband and company, as much as possible have every thing come quietly and in order.
If servants wont be thus governed, discard them at once, and not suffer her own and her husband’s peace to be destroyed by their incorrigibleness.
This will make home comfortable and agreeable; whereas the want of this harmonious economy, sours the temper of a woman, drives a man out of his own house, makes home his aversion, and destroys that serenity which is so very essential to the felicity of all society.
And now let us stop and survey a wife, thus wifely and discreetly filling her sphere of action.
What veneration! What praise! What love and esteem, can sufficiently equal her merit!
There character of a wife can scarcely shine in a more exalted point of light, nor did a more public honour to herself and husband. Whoever possesses such a one, joy will sparkle in his eye, pleasure fill his breast.
Can the flashy and superficial glare of dress and equipage give a title to such sordid excellence and substantial worth? Positively not. The twinkling lustre of a crystal may as well equal the august splendor of a royal diamond.
On the whole, each party thus supporting their respective administration with prudence and discretion, will fix a crown of triumph on their union, be a lasting cement to their tranquility and happiness.
And now, my friend, your task of patience is drawing to a conclusion.
Conformable to your rest, have thrown before you my private sentiment on the subject of that afternoon’s debate, which you say threw you into a sort of skepticism. ——Whether my rough thoughts may in any ways tend to determine your opinion, I know not; If they give you any amusement, to atone for the trouble of reading them, I shall be well pleased,——tho if neither one nor the other, you must blame your influence over me for their impertinence.
For my own part, I confess to think it possible for a man of sense, of honest and virtue, to find a woman in whole society he may lay as probable a foundation for the enjoyment and happiness of his life by marriage....
It is a truth as universally experienced as owned; That no state of life is exempt from the alternatives of pleasure and pain, the bitter and sweet; and that a perfection of happiness is not the lot of humanity.
If this be the case with human life in general, and its proper character marriage is not less worth your choice, because it may have, or inconveniences and alloys.
If those inconveniences and alloys are necessarily great (without a proportionable superiotiry of pleasures) in a conjugal than a single life, the latter is undoubtedly to be preferred. — But I believe they cannot be proved necessarily so, only circumstantially. —Well, the question then is, whether these circumstantial impediments, which are, or may be alleged against the choice of a married life, cannot, by a proper conduct in the time of courtship, and after, be removed?
It is thought they may; and the design of these papers is to propose how and by what methods.
And we conceive the observations made, and the methods proposed, may be effectual, and are not impracticable, to put the married state not only on an equality of probable happiness with a single one, but to give it a prospect of superior felicity.
However unskillfully this argument may have been handled by me, and of how little advantage soever my weak attempts may have been to serve it, the truth of the propositions remains in force.
First, That unhappy matches are often occasioned by mere mercenary views, in one or both of the parties; or by the headstrong motives of ill-conducted passion.
Secondly, That by a prudent and judicious proceeding in our address to a young lady of a good natural temper, we may lay a very good foundation for making her an agreeable companion, a steady friend, and a good wife.
And, Thirdly, That after marriage, by continuing in the road of prudence, and judgement, we may make the nuptial state as happy as we can promise ourselves from any other.
To conclude, Sir, whenever I am inclined for a matrimonial voyage, I shall endeavor thus to steer my source; and if I cannot gain the port by this manner of courtship and conduct, I will rest contented with my present condition.
If, on the other hand, I should thereby gain the inclinations and consent of a lady, I shall endeavor to support my happiness in some such manner as I have herein intimated.
Source:
"Reflections on Courtship and Marriage: In Two Letters to a Friend", (1784).
